Mike A. Leonetti's Blog

Recently I feel as though I’ve been around people constantly this past week and I have not really had much time to “de-stress” or “recharge.” Being the introvert that I am I do need periods of time by myself. Without those, usually I find myself starting to gradually lose the ability to cope with the “smaller” things in life.

Usually if I am around people where I feel like I have to be “sociable” or maintain a social front, I tend to be given easier to fatigue than if I’m by myself or around people where I feel like I can truly be “myself.” If situations like this continue for days at a time with little rest, I tend to have too little time in order to process all of the stimuli and I start doing and saying strange things. If I am not doing strange things then I am being excessively quiet and that tends to confuse people and draws an unnecessary amount of attention to me.

Also, during times of strange emotional crises I find that I need to retreat to quiet places in order to first deal with things internally. I am also the type of person who needs to speak with people and seek advice, but it unfortunately needs to be in my own timing. If I feel forced into talking or I feel that it isn’t the appropriate time, I just simply won’t have my thoughts sorted out and won’t be able to say much. It actually does me more harm than good to talk about things when I’m not ready.

This past week was what could be referred to as a “perfect storm.” It was filled with an “emotional crisis” at the head of the week which lead into non-stop social-ness each day of the week with minimal thinking-recharge time. Unfortunately today and tomorrow will also be the same type of crazy-social days. Then there is also the associated anxiety that comes with the territory of needing a good recharge.

Although I would rather not, I may have to adjust my schedule a bit so I’m much more antisocial this coming week. Usually I only require one good day to be alone to recharge when I’m at my worst moments, but I will have to make that judgment call tomorrow. I must admit, it is slightly annoying needing “recharge time” as often as I do. I guess that just proves that I am not a superhero and like everybody else, I require periods of “rest.”

I am a narcissist. Not all of my character is completely narcissistic, but there are certainly components of it quite heavily at play on a day-to-day basis. Does this mean that I am egotistical, vain, conceited, and downright selfish? Do I sit in the mirror every day so consumed with self-love that I stare at my own reflection for hours telling myself how beautiful and wonderful I am? No, in fact it’s quite the opposite.

As a child, I loved the story of Narcissus as a beginning of where the term narcissism is derived in English. Roughly, the story tells of the character Narcissus who was renowned for his beauty. In the story he found his own reflection in a pool of water where he fell in love with it, and could not stop looking at it. Being able to do nothing but look at  his own reflection, eventually Narcissus died. This story is told to be the origin of the word narcissist.

As with all things in psychology, not all diagnoses are black and white. I do not posses all of the traits that a narcissist is said to. As time goes on and I develop more (mentally and emotionally) I also find myself possessing even fewer qualities of a narcissist. However, there are some qualities that I still possess. One trait in particular that I struggle with and even more-so struggled with as a child is the defense mechanism of idealizing and devaluing.

Narcissists, like most people with personality disorders, are narcissists because of childhood trauma. At a young age, narcissists are taught (usually by the parents) that they will need to exist as a false self that the world will “admire” and “love.” Desperate for love, as we all are, the child will confirm to the false notion that the only way to receive love is to pretend. Emotion and self-expression are thrown out of the window in the process. Thus a narcissist is born.

The now adult-narcissist carries with him his false exterior but empty core. The narcissist lacks the required natural love-and-security-within that tells him that he is good regardless of the opinions of others. Instead what the narcissist has is merely an empty shell that needs to be upheld by others. In other words, narcissists require the admiration and esteem of others to keep them from “falling apart.” Nobody wants to fall apart, so narcissists will do everything in their power even subconsciously to prevent that from happening.

For a narcissist, the truth about his emptiness and false way of living must never be sought or found out. Nobody must know the secret, not even he himself can know. For this reason defense mechanisms need to be put in place to cover up the cracks where this truth could potentially shine through. The most important thing to a narcissist is self survival (as with most healthy human beings). One defense mechanism that I subscribe to as well is splitting, or rather categorizing people into only two black-and-white types of either idealized or devalued.

A person who is idealized by a narcissist will be considered to be “completely good.” A narcissist will exaggerate good qualities in a person and ignore the bad. He will view the idealized person as somebody to give him the appropriate admiration and “love” in order to fill the lack-thereof internally. Idealized people will be showered with compliments by the narcissist doing the idealization. These compliments are meant to attract the idealized person as well as to prompt reciprocation.

At the other end of the extreme is the devalued person. A narcissist will devalue a person who threatens his rigid way of life. Keep in mind narcissists need to live very rigid lives in order to keep up the facade of completion and healthiness. In order to ensure that there can be no doubt in the mind of a narcissist that his rules of living are superior, those who do not follow the same rules become devalued. People who are devalued by a narcissist will serve the reverse function of the idealized group. A narcissist will reject his devalued group of people and he will be secure and confident in being better than them.

Not being capable of being a complex person himself and having a free range of emotions, a narcissist will use that same standard for the rest of the world. A narcissist will not see people as being complex but will only see the “whole picture” as being black-and-white, or rather idealized or devalued. Unfortunately this is harmful for the people who interact with the narcissist as well as the narcissist himself.

I myself have experienced both being idealized and devalued by a narcissist as I’m sure everybody has as well. I have concluded that it is much more “fun” to be idealized. Being that I have some narcissistic qualities myself, I identify with both extremes easily. I will become big-headed when being idealized by a narcissist and extremely dejected when being devalued. I have grown to not enjoy both, however. I find myself longing to be thought of as a complex person made up of good and bad points. That is who I am. I would much rather people see me and accept me for who I am.

Psychology uses the term narcissism to describe both normal self-love and unhealthy self-absorption. But I’d like to propose here that unhealthy narcissism is not a self-absorption, but rather it is an obsession with the lack of self-love and emptiness. It is a crisis that needs to be understood thought of differently in society.

Narcissists are not the way they are because they want to be. They do not act the way they do because they realize and enjoy what it does in others. In other words, narcissists are not evil people. They are not to become social outcasts and branded with a letter.

As a first hand experience in what it  is like to be a narcissist I will offer my own experience. I myself have also done things like classifying (splitting) people into the category of idealized and devalued.  Usually for me it becomes manifested in the “banishing” of people from my life. I have pushed away even the closest of friends because they became devalued in my eyes, and sometimes at no fault of theirs.

When I am around people who I idealize and those people shower me with compliments and admiration I will have a normal level of self-confidence (or sometimes an elevated level of self confidence bordering grandiose). The problem with this is that I am also a self-aware introvert. Recently I’ve been spending even more time than usual by myself. It is forcing me to contend with the hard fact that when I am by myself and I have no external “narcissistic supply” of love, I feel empty. It is not a type of emptiness that is “comfortable” or “comforting.” It is a terrible emptiness. Sometimes it feels as though I am going to disappear. It is as though I do not exist as a person. This  is the severity of the crisis of a narcissist.

Of course, as I grow and I challenge these feelings, I find myself having them less and less. Eventually I plan on not having them at all. I plan on having a complete internal supply of love. As I understand it, this is the goal essentially of all human beings whether or not they wish to admit it.

Now, at this point, although we have all of the components to end this article here-and-now, I would like to offer up, as usual, “the balance.” There is such a thing as healthy narcissism. It is okay to want compliments from people. In fact, if we as humans did not receive any compliments whatsoever we would naturally assume that we are doing something wrong. This would be a healthy and natural assumption.

Compliments are a generally good thing and should be given to people freely. It is okay to want to receive compliments and to want to receive them. It is also okay to behave in a way that one might receive them. However, the issue comes about when there is a dependency on the compliments and the approval of others. When there is a crisis from a lack of such things.

Narcissists are not people to be feared or hated. They are not men and women who have such a high self-opinion that they need to be brought down and “put in their place.” In fact it is the opposite. They need to be brought up in a healthy way. Narcissists need love, just like the rest of humanity. They should not be penalized for what they are. I do believe with enough healthy love (which takes many faces) a narcissist will be able to eventually internalize the love and become cured. Helping a narcissist helps more than just the narcissist. It betters society as a collective. The helped narcissist will also be eternal grateful. I know I would be.

When I was younger I had a pretty tough time sleeping at night. I was what you would call an “insomniac.” I would lie on my bed, close my eyes and for hours sleep just would not come. After a while I grew used to not sleeping and would just spend most of my time watching television. This all changed though when I discovered “the trick.”

Now, “the trick” is actually a little bit embarrassing to explain as it is quite an unorthodox way to fall asleep. Usually when I tell people about it they respond by saying “oh that’ll never work for me.” I have actually never heard of any reports of it succeeding for anybody at all. Maybe I’m just not good at explaining it. Perhaps maybe “the trick” only works for me. Regardless, if it works for me it is bound to work for somebody else. Let me try and explain it the best I can.

“The trick” is simply just this. When I am lying down and my eyes are closed I start to have a fantasy. I choose to fantasize about something that relaxes me. Most times I fantasize about being some sort of superhero and saving people, namely people I want to impress, from harm. This particular fantasy is one that I have all of the time so I know it’s one that I’ll enjoy. Another person may choose to fantasize about something else, like perhaps riding a horse.

Now, just fantasizing about anything in general will actually keep me up. It has to be something in specific that is soothing or I will end up becoming insanely unfocused and my mind would wander to places that may give me anxiety and keep me awake. The proper fantasy type is key.

Once the fantasy is decided, the next step is to be detailed about the players of the fantasy and the situation. Usually I spend a minute or two just deciding who the characters appearing in it will be, where and when it will be, and what the situation is. For example, my more recent fantasies have been about fighting with swords and jumping from rooftop to rooftop all the while saving friends from doom and destruction. My fantasies that I would have as a child were a bit less eventful and involved things like me surfing on top of school buses. For either type, I would usually use familiar scenery and the current time period.

Next comes the part that makes me fall asleep. I simply let the fantasy play out. As the fantasy plays out I watch it like I am watching a television. All of my focus is placed entirely on watching this fantasy and imagining the images almost as if I was watching them on a television. Since all of my focus is placed on observing this fantasy, before long I become unconscious.

There you have it. There is “the trick.” I have had an incredibly good success rate using it, but your mileage may vary. For more about what I usually fantasize about, I also wrote a whole article on that.